The First One

Posted on August 5, 2008. Filed under: General Musings | Tags: , , |

My entire life I have been afraid of a) authority and b) telling people what I thought.

Through a new age-y massage school, a loving, supportive partner and an *incredible* therapist, I feel as though I’ve come a long ways in, you know, not wanting to throw up at the thought of confrontation.

In fact, I was pulled over the other day and it was the first time I didn’t burst into hysterical and completely uncontrollable tears. I’m sure some women cry as a form of manipulation–but I just can’t help it.

It just happens. God. So embarrassing.

So–that being said–I’ve had a huge, long, dramatic thought process about whether or not stay anonymous on the Full Tilt Boogie. Honestly–I have some professional concerns. As a writer, I was worried about my personal life and opinions negatively affecting my professional life. And, you know, I’d love to have a place to discuss/vent/rant about the people in my life w/o them knowing it. Like, if I make a reference to “Crappy upstairs neighbors”, I don’t want to be worried that said neighbors will find my blog and be like “That BITCH.”

(Although, considering the number of times I’ve either tried to break up their loud ass parties and/or called the cops on them–it’s probably too late to prevent the “Bitch” label. Which kind of thrills me now that I think about it…)

But if I’m honest with myself, it’s because I don’t want my mom (or sister. Or old high school friend. Or first ex-boyfriend.) seeing an entry on my (relatively new) positions on things like, um, sex, birth control, gay rights and religion. (I’m completely *wince* over my dad being shocked at anything I do.)

I have this vision of my mom finding this site, reading three sentances, eyes widening and then spewing coffee over her computer.

Which, won’t happen because she doesn’t drink coffee…but you see my point.

Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you are perfectly integrated and able to live your truth openly and don’t give a damn what your family and friends think. If that’s the case, then kudos to you and I’m really freaking jealous.

I went through such a violent, drastic process to claim my power and my choices a few years ago, that in order to salvage my relationships with my family–specifically my mom and sister–I kind of stopped telling them things…about how I was changing and growing as a person. It was, and still is, so much easier to maintain relationships with them that are only somewhat based on who I really am right now.

(in all of my heretical, heathenism, secular, humanist, back sliding glory. God.)

It’s easier on me, at least. I wonder how much I’m actually fooling them.

If I’m afraid to be honest and to express my beliefs openly–then I am not living with integrity. And that really isn’t ok with me.

Because if I’m afraid to stand up for what I believe–then I really must not believe it all that much, right?

You would think after my parents found all of my nude photos online, I would just get over myself.

But, aparently–this is lesson I’m meant to thoroughly learn this time around.

And, so, since I would *really* like to avoid anymore horribly awkward phone calls like the one that accompanied the nude photos indicident (ye gods and friggin’ angels), I’ve decided that I’m going to do my best a) learn my lesson and b) stop being so damn afraid of what people think of me.

So there.

Seriously–I hope you enjoy this blog… And if you don’t, well, that is certainly your decision. But please just be nice when you tell me- we don’t want to trigger the whole uncontrollable crying.


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4 Responses to “The First One”

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i love your blog. kudos to you and a big fat AMEN, i must say. it’s not easy being the blackest sheep in the fold. (i’m well aware) and besides, the world can always use an extra shot of integrity and a big healthy dose of honesty…if that makes us bitches, f’em. i’d rather be a bitch than a coward anyway.

Thank you—and a hell yes! Better a bitch than a coward. Haha, that would make a great t-shirt. 🙂

beautiful blog, Mel. i hope you had a good photographer for the nudie shots . . . at least you can claim they were artist, then. Isn’t it sad we have to stop being ourselves with the very people who did the most to form us . . . onward to your freedom.

I just know what You mean EXACTLY.
It’s funny like sometimes You think
that You’re going to die with some
thoughts deep inside You. But it’s
better to spit them at people, even
if they run away insulting You before
and hating You after. This just means
they don’t understand You.

They are living in a world where
the “rational mind” is seperated
(not really, but they believe so)
from emotion and past.

They will pay the price some day,
the price of hanging out with the
same kind of people, while You’ll
find people (it might take longer
but You will) that will hear
everything and take it as it
was obvious.

Sometimes I get depressed talking
with some people and it feels like
I’m from another planet, but then
I check around the net and I always
find something like this to keep
me with nonconformism to lack
of emotion.

Thanks. 🙂

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