I could remember to be patient if I had more time to think.

Posted on August 12, 2008. Filed under: General Musings, Personal | Tags: , , |

I have an army general’s love of efficiency. Note that I’m not claiming a General’s capacity, but the love, a crazy-making, obsessive love for things done quickly and well. When I was a child, one of my favorite books broke down how to clean a room one step at a time. I would get the book out ALL THE TIME, just so I could follow the instructions, page by page, step by step until my room was perfect, my anxiety tamed long enough to give my nails time to grow in. Then I could bite them back off.

As far as natural capacities go, what I can do is: easily leap into a sort of frantic zoomy energy that most people access only through copious quanties of meth. I like to GO GO GO, swept up in my own thoughts, simulatenously as useful and as dangerous as, say, an army of magically animated brooms with ARMS.

Add a generous dose of self confidence to this mix, and what you’ve got is a lethal personality. LETHAL, I tell you, pushy and demanding, hyper-aware of other people’s inefficiencies but so obsessed with doing 10 things at once that, if you ask me 10 times where my car keys are, I might be able to tell you once.

I don’t know where I’m going with this except to say, it’s my own little personal challenge, and I’ll be writing here about ways I can put my natural capacities to work for me, rather than against me. And also learn to accept that I will never achieve the kind of RUTHLESS EMOTIONLESS TOTAL EFFICIENCY that is the hallmark of dictatorships and science fiction dystopias. It’s sad, but I just have to accept it.


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One Response to “I could remember to be patient if I had more time to think.”

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Haha… And besides-I’ve already claimed the “ruthless” title…

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