Why we have the lamest wireless network name ever*

Posted on February 1, 2009. Filed under: Dialogue, Family, Funny, Home, Personal | Tags: , , , |

So this morning we were discussing what to name our wireless network.

Our neighbors have a variety of funny and clever network names and considering that—without a doubt—John and I are cooler than any of our neighbors, I decided that 2WIRE982 just didn’t compare to “Welcome to the Jungle”, “Red Baron is a Pop Star” and, of course, “Mr. Garrison’s House of Cock.”

If I die before finding out who is “Mr. Garrison’s House of Cock”, I will die unfulfilled and extremely sad.**

I mean, seriously—every once in a while I have to fight down the urge to ask the people in my building “Are you Mr. Garrison?”

But that would be extremely creepy of me.

Anyways—this is a rough transcription of my conversation with John and our friends, Jeff and Lindsay.

(Narrators note: Michael is one of the neighbors next door of “take a bath with me” fame and the crazy knocking scheme. Michael and his wife occasionally pretend that people are harassing them and leave themselves threatening notes and knock loudly on their front door at 5am. Which, since we share a wall, sounds like someone is pounding on our front door at 5am. Fun times.

Anyways, what I found to be a hilarious dialogue follows.

John: Cool, look, babe, I’m naming our network “Happy Fun Times!”

Me: *horror* NO! That’s awful! I hate it!

John: *gives me suggestive look* But, our house is a place of Happy Fun Times.

Me: Oh my god, they will all laugh at us. They will laugh at the ridiculousness that is Happy Fun Times! I will never be able to show my face outside.

John: Well, what do you think we should name it?

Me: Extravaganza of hell. Minionville looming.

John: I’m louder than your girlfriend.

Jeff: Yeah!!

Lindsay: *snickers*

Me: *blush* But they all know that already.

Lindsay: You know your neighbors have heard you having sex but you are embarrassed about “Happy Fun Times”?

Me: Ok, the whole hearing the sex thing is….I mean, you just pretend it’s not happening. Our walls are made out of 1970’s cardboard–everyone hears everything. I hear my upstairs neighbor’s pee. The whole is unfortunate and involuntary. “Happy Fun Times” is a conscious choice.

J: What about “I’m the God of Fire?”

Me: *head in hands* Um, ok….what?

Jeff: *snickers*

J: Yeah, so Jeff and I are out front last night and Michael comes up to us and is like “I’m the God of Fire.” And so I say “I’m the God of Air” and then Jeff says “Well, fine, I’m the God of Marshmallows.”

Jeff: And then there was silence.

M: Um. Wow.

J: How about “Mi Gusta Chuck Norris”?

Me: No—lame. I want something clever and perfect and pithy.

J: It’s funny.

Me: No it’s not.

J: Well, it’s funny to me.

M: I give up. Who is Chuck Norris anyway?


*This blog coming to you courtesy of the “Mi Gusta Chuck Norris!” home wireless network.

**Editors Note: I did find out who Mr. Garrison’s House of Cock belonged too. Mr. Garrison’s House of Cock belongs to the guy who a) has a crush on Jo and b) believes that poor people shouldn’t be allowed to have children or something. He told the later  to Jo one time and she called him a Nazi. So. Mr. Garrison’s House of Cock is ____ the Nazi’s wireless network. Perfect.


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