SO MANY FACEBOOK CAPTIONS

Posted on April 17, 2009. Filed under: General Musings | Tags: , , , , , |

*sigh* It’s like a DISEASE. Or an addiction. I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

1. …loves Iron and Wine. So peaceful here at Irie Bean.

2. …has three cell phones in her purse. She thinks this might be a sign that she needs to re-think her life.

3. …now has three laptops circling around her. Like vultures. Wanting to suck the life essence from her bones. 

4. wants to know why the hell the A/C is on at Irie when it’s cool and pouring rain outside. 

5. is very happy her mom is here! *dances* And not just because her mom insists on cooking, cleaning, babysitting/playing with David because, despite this being her vacation, she doesn’t know how sit still. 

6. is worried about there being a death curse on Purple Fig. Bill’s out with a hernia, Amanda wiped out on the scooter….and now there is a dangerous thunderstorm raging out side. HMMM. Is she NEXT?

….ok, ok. I will go back to work. It all worked out with my morning client schedule mishap, so I might as well take advantage of this unexpected opportunity to not work this weekend. 

Oh, on a side note, I did end up getting some tequila the other night. Ha! Toddler birthday parties are AWESOME. 

What’s even better? Doing shots with said toddler’s grandpa. How cool is that?

(I realize that I sound like a horrifying, awful parent right now—but if you think about it, who else in the world needs a fortifying dose of Don Edurado than the mothers of tiny, ravaging monsters?)

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Who honks at people walking on the sidewalk?

Posted on March 7, 2009. Filed under: General Musings | Tags: , , , , |

I was planing a super indignant post….until I saw the tank top I was wearing while I was walking down said street.

I met up with Jo and Lindsay, and Lindsay had a sack of clothes for me (who needs to buy new???) and so I, of course, had to put on the cutest halter top in the bag….and now that I’m home, I realize that the top is indeed cut down to my zyphoid process—but what the hell? I had a stroller and pants that fit me about as well as a sack of flour (although, I actually tried to wear a sack of flour one time for a futuristic costume party, assuming that the future was Armageddon like–and sack of flour did not cover hips, so bad example)—and all of these assholes are still all like, honking and “hey hot ladies” and such.

I mean,WTF? WHO DOES THAT?

So yes, normally I just ignore such ridiculous, juvenile, hostile and potentially dangerous behavior because I assume, that like dogs and toddlers, these people just want attention.

But I was in a bad mood to begin with and had consumed a couple (seriously! Two!) happy hour margaritas….and was just flipping out…literally. The second time I flipped off a car driving past and screamed “Fuck you!” at them, Johanna was like, “Dude–wow, you’re pissed!” And I had to concur. Assholes.

Anyways, yes.

(So what does it say that I feel like I sort of…deserved the sexual objectification because I was wearing a shirt that accentuated my breasts?)

(I hate America sometimes. I hate that we live in a society that is ok with breasts being bared for sex and movies and marketing BUT NOT FOR FEEDING BABIES.)

I don’t why I keep on being surprised we live in a femine hating, mysoginistic society. I suppose I surround myself with people who actually care about treating other human beings with respect…that it comes as such a shock sometimes.

Cheers to all of the men in my life who don’t treat women like sides of meat. May you inspire others.

I am going to go put my soon to be woman respecting son to bed…and have a beer. Happy Friday!

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So this really angry guy screamed at me today

Posted on October 16, 2008. Filed under: Personal | Tags: , , , |

I know on some blog, or journal entry or list somewhere I’ve implied or, perhaps even lamented that no one has ever called me a bitch.

To my face that is—I have no idea what people have said in private.

I mean, the most that’s ever been said to my face was that I was acting “lawyer-y” one time.

Which, looking back is kind of cool. If I ever have a serious desire to kill my mental, emotional and physical health–as well as my social life, I plan on going to law school. Or med school.

But I never thought I’d get called (well, screamed at) a “fucking selfish bitch” over accidentally parking in a mislabled handicapped spot for five minutes.

(more…)

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What I would do if I was attacked by zombies while on a walk with my kid

Posted on September 29, 2008. Filed under: Family, Funny, General Musings | Tags: , , |

So, I have officially figured out all potential escape routes should David and I ever be attacked by zombies while walking around the Palmer Center–which is connected to our second favorite park–and rated them in order of 1-4 from best chance of survival to least chance of survival if I wasn’t able to make it back to my apartment. With it’s distinct lack of windows and location on the second floor with the only access being two narrow, rickety/dangerous stairwells–I think we would be safe. Unless the zombies were the super fast, strong, leaping kind, because the second story isn’t that high off the ground. Con: we usually don’t have much food in our house and Mr. Fish would only go so far. (more…)
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It’s five o’clock in, um…..Japan, right?

Posted on September 22, 2008. Filed under: Personal, Work | Tags: , , , , |

So—Austin has all of these reasons for claiming to be this awesome city.

Large collection of hippies. Barton Springs. The whole live music scene. Self proclaimed enviromental visionary city. How fit everyone is. Urban creeks. Etc.

But you know what has impressed everyone who’s come to visit?

That all of the coffeeshops serve beer and wine. (more…)

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It's five o'clock in, um…..Japan, right?

Posted on September 22, 2008. Filed under: Personal, Work | Tags: , , , , |

So—Austin has all of these reasons for claiming to be this awesome city.

Large collection of hippies. Barton Springs. The whole live music scene. Self proclaimed enviromental visionary city. How fit everyone is. Urban creeks. Etc.

But you know what has impressed everyone who’s come to visit?

That all of the coffeeshops serve beer and wine. (more…)

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So I think I was just mugged

Posted on September 8, 2008. Filed under: Funny, Work | Tags: , , |

So. Last week I was assaulted by a homeless women.

To rub salt in the wound– it was 8am on a Saturday and I hadn’t even finished my first cup of coffee.

I was driving out to Amanda’s to pick up the stuff for the Farmer’s Market.

I suppose the first mistake was that John bought his car in Seattle–where AC doesn’t come standard, so I’m driving with the windows down.

It was still August in Austin. It’s damn hot.

Now, the next mistake was mine. I’m pulling up to the red light on 12th and Chicon and when I thought about rolling up my windows because there was a slightly crazed looking woman standing in the middle of the intersection, I squashed the urge….because that was judgemental of me.

Later, when recounting the following incident, Amanda was like “Oh, 12th and Chicon? My friend was stabbed and maced there a few nights ago while he was riding his bike home, but he’s like, totally all right.”

Me: Dude, I don’t think being stabbed and maced qualifies anyone was being “all right”.

Amanda: Yeah… I guess so. I think they were after his bike, but he managed to ride away.

Me: You would think if you went to the trouble of stabbing and macing someone for their bike–you would just take it!

Amanda: I know, right?

Me: Sloppy work.

Anyways, stupid windows were down, major guilt was rising up and crazy woman comes up asks me for a dollar. My pastors words about the poor and the homeless (Jim!) running through my head, I reach into my purse and pull out the three measly bucks I have to my name and I hand disheveled woman one of them.

Disheveled woman: *screeching* NO, NO! I NEED THREE DOLLARS! I’ll, I’LL GIVE YOU THREE HUNDRED NEXT WEEK!

Me: uh……………

*Light turns green, cars behind me start honking*

Disheveled Woman shoves her head into my car, reaches past me to the passenger seat and grabs my purse .

Me. HEY! *yanks purse back and stomps on the gas*

The only reason I escaped with even a *shred* of dignity is that I didn’t stall the stupid car while peeling out of the intersection.

Anyways, that was kind of crazy. Didn’t need coffee later in the morning that’s for sure.

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